I will not let a man decide what my life will look like, only God decides my future.

So the other night I was talking to a friend about relationships and I found myself thinking about it more and more these past few days. Everywhere I go, everyone I meet, is always in a relationship or looking for one. I get asked sometimes why I don’t have a boyfriend. Is there something wrong with you? Are you just playing hard to get? Did you get out of a bad relationship? So many questions are asked, and when I simply answer, I’m not interested in it right now; people look at me a bit confused and don’t believe me. Of course I’m like all girls, I have my dreams, I have my own dream of having my perfect wedding and meeting my prince charming.

The reason why I’m not looking or I’m just simply not interested is because (and this might sound harsh) I have not met anyone worth it. I really don’t mean to sound like I’m all that great. I believe that no one’s been worth it because I believe I am not ready for it. My heart is not ready and therefore when I meet guys my head is not in it either.

I have met many people and including myself, who sometimes believe a guy is the one thing missing to make our lives truly happy. Well I have come to realize and learn that this is completely wrong. A guy is not going to give me the happiness I’m looking for. I need to be my own person and to be happy on my own before letting a guy into my life to become more than a friend. I need to be a 100% dependant on God before letting a guy into my life. I need to know that I am not sitting around wasting my life waiting for a guy. Yeah I believe God wants me to get married and have a family but I need to have my life fulfilled by God and God only. Then I believe he will bring me my other half and we can complement each other’s lives. But once that happens I know it will happen because my heart will be ready.

I want to be strong enough for my husband, I want him to be able to look into my eyes and see God in my life. I want my husband to be proud of the woman I have become; I want my husband to have my full support in everything he does, because the man I marry will be completely dedicated to God. My husband will be after God’s heart and I will fall in love with him for it.

Right now, I’m in the process of becoming the woman that one day will stand in front of everyone and vow myself to my husband, I’m in the process of becoming a proverbs 31 kind of woman. And even though I’m in the process, my priority right now is not finding a husband but falling more and more in love with my creator. My priority is obeying what God has for my life. The day God decides that my heart is ready I know he will introduce me to the man who I will spend the rest of my life with, the man who I will walk side by side to fulfill God’s calling upon our lives. Yes I dream about this day, but mean while I’ve got lots of things to take care of.

Questions

Every day, every minute, every second that I breathe I know it’s because of God’s grace. I know that I was created by him and for him. Without him I would be nothing, and yet there are still days where I think that I can do it on my own, there are days where I try to avoid the voice in my head that tells me to obey him. Why is it so easy to believe things I read in a magazine? To believe things I watch on T.V and to believe people like parents, teachers and presidents? I know he is the creator of everything and everyone and yet I doubt him sometimes.

People in life, people that believe in him always have an answer for things, answers such as “God is in control. God has a plan. God is going to use you. God is the only one who knows why. Trust in him.” Why is it so hard to trust in him but so easy to trust what the news say? Why is it so hard to leave it all in his hands and to trust that he does have a plan and that he knows me better than anyone else but yet so easy to let a boyfriend or friend in your life and trust in them completely?

Haven’t we learned with many different situations that people always let us down? Whether is a parent, a friend, a boyfriend and in some cases even a spouse.

There are so many questions that always cross my mind, I feel like my brain never sleeps. I am in a constant argument with myself and my thoughts.

I have made a choice to follow God, I not only follow him but I love him with all my heart. He is my dad and I know that his love for me is unfailing and everlasting. There are days, even months where I avoid him because my brain is so tired of trying to figure things out. There are days where I know that I need him and yet I try to be strong enough on my own. I guess this would be where I accept I am prideful and wrong.

To this day I know that God will never let me down. Yes there are days where I feel like he has let me down and then I realize that he’s actually always had my back and he has held my hand through everything. My own choices are what let me down, not him.

I’m not sure what my life will look like in a year or for that matter what it will look like tomorrow. All I’m sure of is that I was created for him and by him. My future is in his hands and no matter what happens he is holding my hand and leading me through everything.

Maybe one day I will get to ask him all the questions I have, but meanwhile my brain and I will keep arguing and believing that he is the best thing there is about my life. No matter how hard I try, I cannot do anything on my own. No matter how much I try to convince myself, without him there is no meaning to this world. Without him there is no meaning to me.ning to me.

Empty...

Tonight, for some reason my heart feels broken. Tears are coming down my face and I have no way of stopping them. I tell my brain to stop but my heart wont. I am not sure if it’s just because my sister got married two days ago or If there is more to it.

While growing up, it was Pao and I all the time, no matter where we went or what we did, we were always together. She is not only my sister but also my best friend. I am excited, happy and proud of her and the new step she has taken in life. Marriage is a big deal, not everyone can do it but I know she can. She married her prince charming and I know there is no one better for her than Ryan. I have gained a new brother but yet there is this deep hole in my heart right now.
I’m sitting in my room, Pao’s been gone before but tonight it feels empty without her. It feels weird to be sitting here and knowing she is never coming back to share a bed with me or to just tell me to turn the light off and go to sleep. Tonight I miss my sister.

I know that with time I will get used to this, life must go on and thankfully she is not gone forever she is just a few minutes away :) I am truly happy for her and maybe I’m crying because I’m being selfish but I know this is all part of growing up, people get older, get married, have kids and so on. I guess I just never thought the day would come where I would be sitting here writing about how much I miss my sister.

Sometime I fight with her, I get angry at her and I’ve come to realize that it is my way of protecting my heart from hurting, I have realized that I try to hide my feelings this way but for some reason this time it’s not working.
I pray God will bless her and her hubby, I pray God smiles upon their marriage because I know that they are meant to be together and that they will accomplish amazing things for your glory.

I also thank God for giving me my big sis that I can look up to and now a big bro :)