I will not let a man decide what my life will look like, only God decides my future.

So the other night I was talking to a friend about relationships and I found myself thinking about it more and more these past few days. Everywhere I go, everyone I meet, is always in a relationship or looking for one. I get asked sometimes why I don’t have a boyfriend. Is there something wrong with you? Are you just playing hard to get? Did you get out of a bad relationship? So many questions are asked, and when I simply answer, I’m not interested in it right now; people look at me a bit confused and don’t believe me. Of course I’m like all girls, I have my dreams, I have my own dream of having my perfect wedding and meeting my prince charming.

The reason why I’m not looking or I’m just simply not interested is because (and this might sound harsh) I have not met anyone worth it. I really don’t mean to sound like I’m all that great. I believe that no one’s been worth it because I believe I am not ready for it. My heart is not ready and therefore when I meet guys my head is not in it either.

I have met many people and including myself, who sometimes believe a guy is the one thing missing to make our lives truly happy. Well I have come to realize and learn that this is completely wrong. A guy is not going to give me the happiness I’m looking for. I need to be my own person and to be happy on my own before letting a guy into my life to become more than a friend. I need to be a 100% dependant on God before letting a guy into my life. I need to know that I am not sitting around wasting my life waiting for a guy. Yeah I believe God wants me to get married and have a family but I need to have my life fulfilled by God and God only. Then I believe he will bring me my other half and we can complement each other’s lives. But once that happens I know it will happen because my heart will be ready.

I want to be strong enough for my husband, I want him to be able to look into my eyes and see God in my life. I want my husband to be proud of the woman I have become; I want my husband to have my full support in everything he does, because the man I marry will be completely dedicated to God. My husband will be after God’s heart and I will fall in love with him for it.

Right now, I’m in the process of becoming the woman that one day will stand in front of everyone and vow myself to my husband, I’m in the process of becoming a proverbs 31 kind of woman. And even though I’m in the process, my priority right now is not finding a husband but falling more and more in love with my creator. My priority is obeying what God has for my life. The day God decides that my heart is ready I know he will introduce me to the man who I will spend the rest of my life with, the man who I will walk side by side to fulfill God’s calling upon our lives. Yes I dream about this day, but mean while I’ve got lots of things to take care of.

Questions

Every day, every minute, every second that I breathe I know it’s because of God’s grace. I know that I was created by him and for him. Without him I would be nothing, and yet there are still days where I think that I can do it on my own, there are days where I try to avoid the voice in my head that tells me to obey him. Why is it so easy to believe things I read in a magazine? To believe things I watch on T.V and to believe people like parents, teachers and presidents? I know he is the creator of everything and everyone and yet I doubt him sometimes.

People in life, people that believe in him always have an answer for things, answers such as “God is in control. God has a plan. God is going to use you. God is the only one who knows why. Trust in him.” Why is it so hard to trust in him but so easy to trust what the news say? Why is it so hard to leave it all in his hands and to trust that he does have a plan and that he knows me better than anyone else but yet so easy to let a boyfriend or friend in your life and trust in them completely?

Haven’t we learned with many different situations that people always let us down? Whether is a parent, a friend, a boyfriend and in some cases even a spouse.

There are so many questions that always cross my mind, I feel like my brain never sleeps. I am in a constant argument with myself and my thoughts.

I have made a choice to follow God, I not only follow him but I love him with all my heart. He is my dad and I know that his love for me is unfailing and everlasting. There are days, even months where I avoid him because my brain is so tired of trying to figure things out. There are days where I know that I need him and yet I try to be strong enough on my own. I guess this would be where I accept I am prideful and wrong.

To this day I know that God will never let me down. Yes there are days where I feel like he has let me down and then I realize that he’s actually always had my back and he has held my hand through everything. My own choices are what let me down, not him.

I’m not sure what my life will look like in a year or for that matter what it will look like tomorrow. All I’m sure of is that I was created for him and by him. My future is in his hands and no matter what happens he is holding my hand and leading me through everything.

Maybe one day I will get to ask him all the questions I have, but meanwhile my brain and I will keep arguing and believing that he is the best thing there is about my life. No matter how hard I try, I cannot do anything on my own. No matter how much I try to convince myself, without him there is no meaning to this world. Without him there is no meaning to me.ning to me.

Empty...

Tonight, for some reason my heart feels broken. Tears are coming down my face and I have no way of stopping them. I tell my brain to stop but my heart wont. I am not sure if it’s just because my sister got married two days ago or If there is more to it.

While growing up, it was Pao and I all the time, no matter where we went or what we did, we were always together. She is not only my sister but also my best friend. I am excited, happy and proud of her and the new step she has taken in life. Marriage is a big deal, not everyone can do it but I know she can. She married her prince charming and I know there is no one better for her than Ryan. I have gained a new brother but yet there is this deep hole in my heart right now.
I’m sitting in my room, Pao’s been gone before but tonight it feels empty without her. It feels weird to be sitting here and knowing she is never coming back to share a bed with me or to just tell me to turn the light off and go to sleep. Tonight I miss my sister.

I know that with time I will get used to this, life must go on and thankfully she is not gone forever she is just a few minutes away :) I am truly happy for her and maybe I’m crying because I’m being selfish but I know this is all part of growing up, people get older, get married, have kids and so on. I guess I just never thought the day would come where I would be sitting here writing about how much I miss my sister.

Sometime I fight with her, I get angry at her and I’ve come to realize that it is my way of protecting my heart from hurting, I have realized that I try to hide my feelings this way but for some reason this time it’s not working.
I pray God will bless her and her hubby, I pray God smiles upon their marriage because I know that they are meant to be together and that they will accomplish amazing things for your glory.

I also thank God for giving me my big sis that I can look up to and now a big bro :)

Everlasting and Unfailing Love

Its been a while since I've been on this page.
This year has def been once again unexpected, full of surprises and weird.
I have become a teacher. Its a cool, exhausting job. When I first started i freaked out and i still do but at the beginning i thought o my gosh if being a teacher is hard imagine being a mom!! but now its been almost 4 months since i've had my job and to be honest.....I love it and the more i see my kids and how much they learn in lil time and how amazing they are, the more i want to be a mom someday :)



Today I was reading a blog about seasons and how God uses every season in our life for a reason. I dont think, well actually i have thought about it, but i dont think now that God doesnt have a purpose for having me here in Colombia still. My life has maybe not been exactly what i had planned or what I wanted but when i sit and think about the plans i had.....they would've prob not turned out to be the best and only God knows what I would've become. I am thankful that even though im not always super excited about where i am in life right now, i am at a place where i can say God is real to me and life is real. I've had the chance to meet amazing people here this year, i have met amazing kids who have thought me a lot, for starters, being a teacher has showned me that its more about academical stuff, being a teacher is serious stuff, i dont think many teachers realize that you see the kids every day and you become their "mom" at school. The first time my kids called me mom i freaked out and they (7 years old) explained to me that i am practically like their mom at school, being a mom its not just giving birth its also raising a kid, making sure that you are a positive influence in their lives as much as possible....it means actually caring for them, not just doing my job but making sure they know that me, their teacher cares deeply about them.
Most of the kids that have issues,it's because somehow something is wrong at their homes. Kids tells everything.....they are not afraid to share their feelings and they are not embarrased to tell the truth. I wounder at what age we all become so afraid of the world and accepting what happens to us.

I love my second graders because everyday its a new challenge with them, it has really made me think a lot about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to invest on people, i want to make sure that all the kids understand that even if things arent perfect at home, they have a daddy in heaven who loves them.
the best thing about everyday at school is praying with my kids before class starts.
Where i work is a catholic school....but my kids have learned to pray to God and know that God lives in them and they know that he protects us and loves us! they even pray before having lunch :)

anyways I have really thought about my future and what I want. I want to be with kids, i want to help kids understand who God is! I would love to be with kids in a school teaching them but i would also love to be with teenagers and even adults at church to share with them the love of God, the unfailing love! I want to be there for people i want them to see that there is really Hope out there! Ther is so much in my ♥ right now but i cant share it all on here....i cant wait to just go away with God and talk to him, i cant wait to also one day get married and share everything with the one im meant to be and then have lil precious kids running around the house :)
yes im crazy :)

Crazy Love.

So I got done reading CRAZY LOVE, amazing book!

I fell in love with not just the book but how it made me feel.

I felt encouraged and very challenged.

Every page, every word I read i felt like it was meant for me. Of course I am sure everyone feels that way. But i really felt like he was really getting into my head and heart. Like not just Francis Chan but God was really revealing everything I was feeling....all the questions I have and all the fears I let overcome me sometimes.

At times I would put the book down and really just thinnk about my life. Think about what i've really done.

When i talk to people, even my parents sometimes...we are sooooo caught up in this world it's CRAZY! we get up, eat, shower, go to work, go home eat and go to sleep. of course not everyone has the same exact schedule but somewhat similar. We have this routine we follow and we get so used to it. And then....I read the book! i've always known I am not made for this world. I've always known that im not ok with just living life like a normal ordinary human being.

there is this weird thing inside of me that just burns and sometimes...to be honest i just dont do anything about it!

I know in the last few years ive tried to do something different in my life.... but it's really not about just trying or maybe SOMETIMES doing something differenet. Is about REALLY living according to what jesus says.....and this takes me back to LOVE! it's sooo crazy, but even in the bible God says (not in this exact words but i understand myself) if i give my life for God, if i do everything in this world but i do not love.....it is ALL worthless!!!...... i have no words after this! its crazy! i mean God is pretty clear about loving HIM and loving others! and there is so much need and so much pain that God gives us his heart....and what do we do? most of the times we ignore it and let the material things of this world have control over us!

Anyways.... like Francis Chan said at the end of the book, the book was not meant to just make us feel bad or encourage us but to actually make us think of how we need to live our lives.

And slowly which really shouldnt be slowly i am getting more and more confirmation from God that i am on the right path. No matter what people tell me, no matter how crazy i might sound.... i want to serve him and others, i want to love, but real love I want to be able to face God one day and ask him if as a dad he is proud of me! ask him if i fulfilled what he had for me and ask him if i put at least once...a smile on his face :)

it's not about makin myself feel good for helping others, it's not about what people can say.... it's about caring for those who need love.

omg this makes me think of the day at church, prob 2 sundays ago when our pastor asked if anyone wanted to share anything with the congregation, a few people shared how God is doing miracles in their lives and other things...then he said would any kid want to share anything.....and this lil boy, prob 8 years old, got up there, he couldnt speak very clearly and said that Jesus had healed him, he had needed this major operation and God was there.... he said that while in the hospital, his brother told him he loved him and so did God.... of course this made me cry like a BABY! the lil boy was part of childrens ministry here in colombia, he doesnt have much but he knows what God's love is and it broke my heart. And that Sunday, i knew that God was showing me a lil piece of his heart, he was showing me how he feels when we recognize his love and he showed me that i need to help those lil kids, i need to share my daddy's love with them! I cannot be selfish, God has enough love for all of us :)

And so... I have a long journey ahead.....im 21 but im already too old to not be doing something. I feel horrible for letting other things take my time, of course there is a balance but i need God's help. I have no idea what to do, but like i've heard before, if it's Gods will he will take me through it and I believe it. Somehow, somewhere i will do what he has created me to do. :)

Dating...

So Yesterday i was talking to one of my amazing friends....i was telling her that I finally got a ring.

well the story really goes back to Australia, during my DTS experience, when I was going through emotional stuff with jesus i mentioned to a friend that i wanted to get a ring for me and God. Most people use it for a promise ring but i wanted it not only for one promise but for many things!

So about a month ago i was buying earings and other stuff and then stopped and remembered that i always told God i would get a ring, so i put down the other stuff and found a ring :)

when i bought i put it on and told God it was for me and him.

Yesterday when i was talking to Jenn i told her i married God.

well it got me thinking...again! and right now im actually in the daiting part with God. Dont get me wrong i do want to marry God but i feel like this months have been so amazing beause my heart has been sooo open to God and ive met him in such amazing ways that im loving it cause i feel like I am dating him. Im in that stage where it's soooo cool to talk about anything and everything with God. im telling him my dreams my hopes im learning what he likes and what he doesnt like.

I guess ive always know what he likes and doesnt like, but this time is different im learning sooo much from him its sooooo cool :) i feel like a crazy person most of the times, i feel like im talking to him every minute, but i love it.

I know this blog its prob really weird but hey i like to explain things like this cause my ring now, it's a promise to God tht he comes in my life before anything or anyone else.

He is the center of my life and like in a marriage a ring represents commitment, i am committed to God.

One day i will marry my prince :) and one day i will have a different ring on my finger... but the day that happens it will be because God chose that person for me and brought us together, the day another ring replaces this one it wont mean that the guy will replace God it will only mean that now both of us will also be devoted to God.

This ring its a symbol like many things, but my true commitment will always be in my heart :)

I was, I am created for something more...

Life seems to be going by faster and faster, either because it really does go by faster or im just growing up and i have more stuff to do and less time in my schedule.

It has been about almost 6 months since i've been back in Colombia, and all kinds of things have happened, lots of ups and dows, but nothing to regreat. So many things I've been able to learn and so many things im greatful for.

This past 2 weeks i was able to take a break, a vacation to go see my sister in Florida. Everything worked out perfect to be able to go to the hillsong conference, which was amazing, and also see all my friends and some family.

I finally got to apply to hillsong college which is amazing, a miracle and im finally being able to see where my life is going.

While i was in florida i had a lot of thinking time, a lot of events got to me and made me start thinking about life, thinking about everything.

So i've been working for 5 months here in Colombia, i have a great job, and great friends, cant complain. But every day is the same schedule, the same thing over and over again, i started to wonder, what am I really doing to bring a smile on God's face? yes im being a good girl, im even praying lots for others.

The last two weeks are marked in my heart forever now, i feel like it was a huge wake up call from daddy in heaven, he reminded me of soooo many things that i was starting to forget. He created me, all of us, for something more, not to just live for ourselves.

I've finally had the chance of having non christian friends, good relationships, and i've been able to see everything from a different point of view. The friends i have now are probably a huge blessing to ME! I have been able to experice so many different things through them. It's def been a new challange but i love it.

I've become a huge lover of books.... i know shocking for me, all this books, people and thoughts have taken over my head.

and all i know is that God is calling me inside, he is reminding me that im created to do whatever he says. im created because he wants me to serve him, and truly that is what makes me happy. When i sit at work, go out with people i have a good time, but when i get a chance to help someone out, even if it's giving a bread out, my heart feals something diffrerent, it's a joy that sometimes is very hard to explain, but it's the kind of joy that keeps me going every day.

Most people live to go to school, graduate, get married, perhaps have kids and eventually grandkids. But then once you have it all what's next?

i keep reminding my self everyday that i do not want a normal life, i do wants all the things that normal girls want, i am a romantic, but i know that i will not have true happiness unless i make my goal be about seeing others also be happy.

Most of the times i dont understand myself, but it's again back to LOVE. and what it all really means.

While i was in indonesia with the kids in the slums, something that touched me and ripped me apart was seeing how some of them could die from a simple cut.

Even though i believe in the power of prayer i believe we are called to do more!!!!

it drives me craazy to just sit here.

I know i need to be responsible, keep working, but while i get to go and do more i can do stuff on the side, there are people in my own city, prob my own neighborhood that need help somehow.

Most times we all think oh i can do missions and yes we all can and they think , well we think it can only be done when we get on a plane and go somewhere far. but nooooo the truth is that right here there are people that also need help, anywhere we go there is something to do, some one to help and sometimes...even a smile helps :)

anyways, while i hear back from hillsong, while i work i know i can help out and im going to make it part of my life, cause i believe i was created for something else.